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Underwear + Gun = Anger? That's not the math I took in high school.

My Latest masterpiece came this morning as Julie’s boyfriend came to pick her up for school in the morning. Normally at this point in the day I’ve already showered and had my coffee; I’m on my way out the door. Not today though! I’ve got an old handgun we inherited from my father-in-law, so i got it out, and just sat out on the porch cleaning it in my underwear. When Cole (Julie’s boyfriend) pulled in to the driveway I called him up to the porch. Now keep in mind that I am half naked! As Julie finishes getting ready for the day I begin to lecture Cole on what it means to be a man, all the while polishing away at a gun that might be fully loaded for all he’s concerned. Julie comes downstairs just in time to hear my closing remarks about the similarities between “just laying up to the fairway out of the rough” and “not going all the way on prom night” (both good ideas). Her reaction: “UGH! DAD! I FUCKING HATE YOU! I JUST WISH THAT YOU’D GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!” They run to the car and pull away.

I finish my mug of coffee at my side, sigh deeply, and think “Fuck this. I’m going to go catch Storm Stories on the Weather Channel”.

April fools.

...

Now, I’m not so naive to think that my kids will ever consider me “cool”, but for some reason I can’t help but want to gain their approval in that sector of life. I’ve bought an iPod, I’ve started listening to rap that came out before my kids were born and claiming that I remember it, hell, I’ve even figured out this internet thing well enough to start a blog! All my efforts, alas, seem to be less than a blip on my kids  “cool radar”(izzle).

Can you believe this guy?

The wife and I are out to dinner with our friends Dan and Liz Jobson. Now, Dan (The Man) has been my buddy since we ended up on the same softball squad ten years ago at our old company. Those were the days, we could both still run for two minutes without getting side-stiches! Now, as much as I love Danny, he got into the whole “having a family” game a little late, so his baby boy still needs a sitter when we go out. On this particular night, he and Liz couldn’t find one so baby Ryder came to dinner with us! Now, some people might see this a damper on the night because “We can’t curse in front of the baby!” and “We can only have one beer in front of the baby!” but not me. This is a perfect opportunity for me to shine. I let the dinner go on as usual, making the polite dinner conversation we’re all accustomed to, all the while making jabs at Dan about how I wish Ryder here could’ve seen me hit his daddy’s pitches out of the park. We finish our dessert, argue over the bill (which ends up being ours to foot :/), and finally I see the waitress walking over with the little black book. This is the moment everyone has been waiting for, whether they realize it or not. She says “I hope you’ve all enjoyed your meal tonight, its been a real pleasure having you!” I can’t contain myself, this one has been boiling up all night. Before she can say another word I blurt out “GIVE THE BABY THE CHECK! HE SAID HE’D COVER IT!”

Swish!